stayed home and rot today. watch videos till dinner. lol. pokemon. watched 4 episodes i think. i forgot alr. then i cooked my own dinner. cheese and herb pasta.

then. my mum came home. she asked "eh u noe how to cook pasta one ah?" den i was like "ya". few mins later. she started to scold me, using every minute details she could pick on me. fuck? wads wrong with her. my com's cooler light on, tv on, never open window etc. this few things made her dig up everything in the past. wtf la. all these little things add up=alan isn't a filial son. eh. then disown me okay? im sick and tired of all these nonsense. i shut my fucking mouth up, she say she talking to wall. i open my mouth and say something, she say i talking back. knn. fine. i shut my fucking mouth up okay. i went to bathe. bathe she oso wana say. the worst thing was when i play music on my fone, the first song is 听妈妈的话. i immediately change song. nvm i come out, she say i wana avoid her so i go out. one day she die alr the whole house is mine. what. the. fuck? i planned to go out since i was cooking pasta. sam called me and ask me go century to meet him. nvm i shut up. i get out of the house. i didnt lock the gate cos she didnt lock it. so i thought she still going out do whatever shit. on the bus, she called me. say i fucking forgot to lock the gate. say this is my house but im not being responsible. say i haven 18 years old, wings grow out alr wana fly away. nvm i just shut up. eh come on la. what the fuck is wrong with you. i kept thinking on the bus. all the shit she gave me. eh. im your son. can you dont change me to be the perfect son every mother wants? cant you just accept who am i? im forgetful. yes. then? my fault? you think i want? even sam ask me on the bus why i record down who owe me money or who i owe money. cos im forgetful. im trying to do whatever i can to NOT FORGET THINGS FOR FUCK SAKE. for a moment i decided i dowana live with this kinda life. i wana go beach and cry. my tears started to come out. but i dowana cry on the bus. also not on the mrt. i decided that seeing my friends will make me feel better. indeed. i felt better seeing sam and his working friends. beats staying at home, being treated like a piece of shit, a shit that isnt what a woman wants out of her womb. some shit she keeps complaining about. yes, you lost your husband. hey come on. im a 17 year old teen who lost his dad at 13. can you please let me feel more of motherly love rather than motherly comparisons and motherly complains? im feeling what my dad felt. unloved. shes treating me like how she treated my dad. always complaining. im sick of that. just like my dad. they wanted a divorce. im feeling like that now. but im telling myself. how can i do that? shes my mum. i'll be a person who doesnt deserve to live if i did that. so here i am, enduring all this nonsense. when will it stop? it better be soon. or i'll go nuts. this post is not meant to be emo or whatever shit. its a post for me to rant. and please my dear friends, stop telling me how nice my mum is, how poor thing she is cos she lost her husband. i know that. for once, can you all try to be in my shoes. im a 17yr old teen trying to survive on his own without taking money from his mother, and trying not to miss his dad's love so much, trying to endure his mother's ranting, and trying to ease the burden off her shoulders, trying to not let her be worried about me.. it doesnt mean that i dont have troubles when i dont tell her any. it also doesnt mean i dowana share with her everything. its cos i dowan her to be worried. i cried in front of her once last year. but i dowan it to repeat again. sometimes some things cannot be shown. sometimes trying to do things behind someone's back may be good, but that person will never noe what you've done. im still trying, but im sick and tired of trying. one day, just maybe that very day comes, i may not be able to take it anymore. i may just go mad.

what is love?